Happy (very belated) New Year! It’s been quite the hiatus on my part, but I’ve had a bit of a mind shift and perspective change. Both were much needed and I’m so thankful for the head/heart-space I’m in right now.
This past fall has not been easy for me and at some point I really wasn’t sure that I would ever be anything other than an emotional mess, relational screw-up and just plain miserable. I find myself wanting to say that I don’t know what has changed, but I know that those closest to me have been praying their little hearts out with my lovely parents leading the pack. I too have been praying that something would change; pleading with God to give me some small amount of grace to work with and I cannot attribute the peace I’ve felt as of late to anyone other than Him.
It’s always the dark times that force us to engage in much self reflection. One thing I have recognized is my deep desire for happiness. Not a bad desire! I think most people desire to be truly happy, it’s just where we look for it that can be problematic. I have realized that I have quite high expectations that my relationships will bring me happiness. More specifically, romantic relationships. I’ve heard it said once or twice or you know, one hundred times that hind sight is 20/20. HA! Because it’s true! Obviously now I see how unfair it is to look to other people to bring us happiness. I need to be happy with myself and learn how to have a balanced perspective on life encompassing all it’s highs and lows. And it’s funny, because now that I’m not looking to others to bring me happiness, I’m finding it so much easier to come by. I actually feel happy sometimes for no particular reason.
This year my “resolution” (though I’m nervous to call it that because of the fact that resolutions seem to be forgotten by the time February rolls around…) is to appreciate each moment; each day for what it is and to remember to be thankful for all that I do have, which is so much.
It is summer. Therefore, I shall halfheartedly apologize for the my delinquency to blog.
Things to note about the summer thus far:
I have eaten a lot of hamburgers and ice cream
I have already had a week & a half of vacation
I went to Regina (of all places) to get out of the city
I have eaten a lot of pizza and m&m’s (the pretzel kind, the raspberry kind, the coconut kind, the regular kind……etc.)
My two Aunties from Toronto are in visiting and we have gotten waterlogged in the pool and sun tanned. We are going for fish and chips tomorrow (which is really today because it’s already tomorrow, get me?)
I had 8 inches lopped of my locks after years of growing it. It was sad and liberating. And no one noticed…well, okay, a couple people have, but…when you get like a foot cut off your hair it’s kind of a big deal. Ah well…
I have probably gained 10 lbs. No lie. And also, to be expected due to all the eating.
I was at work today and in my wandering around I kept catching glimpses of myself in whatever mirror or reflective surface I came upon. Most of my friends would laugh and find this completely typical of me as I’m a tiny bit over concerned that one hair on my head has changed position. Now you see, as per my list above I have gained weight. Summer, bathing suits, poolside living….yeah, not the best time to be adding ten pounds more. I have been very critical of myself, experienced a lot of self loathing and continued to eat those damn m&m’s!!!
Today, when I walked past the mirror I was worried about what my newly shorn hair looked like in a tiny little pony-tail. I thought to myself: “you know what, I don’t look half bad. I actually look pretty”. You know how people always say that if you say one negative thing about yourself you should follow it by like ten good things about yourself? Or whatever it is “those people” say. It’s something like that anyways. I decided to just keep telling myself that I’m pretty until I start to believe it. I’m just so tired of hating myself and picking myself apart. I don’t want to compare myself to other girls because those girls hate things about themselves too. Everyone seems too, even the ones we think are perfect.
So ladies, (if there are a few out there reading this blog) do yourself a favour and tell yourself you’re pretty. Find something you appreciate about your looks and compliment yourself. Do it as many times as you want until you really start to believe it. And don’t be cocky about it. A cocky girl is pretty on the outside but needs some adjusting on the inside. I’m learning the lesson of confidence slowly but surely.
A while back, in my blog perusing, I stumbled upon a video which introduced me to three things: peanut butter pie, Jose Gonzalez & Mikey. You can check out that blog HERE.
These three things lead me to this blog: In Jennie’s Kitchen, which I have since become a follower of. Jennie lost her husband, Mikey to a heart attack almost a year ago and though she is a foodie blogger, this past many months have followed her journey of grief and moving forward. Sometimes I cry when I read her blog posts, but mostly I feel so inspired by the way she has chosen to move forwards with such bravery and grace. I certainly don’t want to discount (not assuming she’d ever read my blog) the pain she has felt. She certainly doesn’t make it sound all sunshine and rainbows, but I appreciate her brutal honesty and desire to hold onto her husband in a way that honors his life and yet still allows her to move forward.
Anyways, I was re-reading this blog from back in November of 2011 and I can’t help but find it very inspirational. De-cluttering, spending less time in the virtual/technical world and instead, appreciating and enjoying the little moments and making sure to focus on loving those close to you well. I’ve been recently been toying with the idea of deleting my facebook. This is a difficult decision for me because of the amount of friends I have that are in a vast array of other countries. But I literally feel gross when I realize that I just wasted two hours looking a pictures of FRIENDS friends – people I don’t even know – in the Dominican Republic. HOW DID I GET HERE? WHY AM I LOOKING AT THESE? What the?! Enough!
We’ll see how this all plays out, but summer is here, it’s been (for the most part) gorgeous outside. I don’t want to waste it sitting around on my computer. I want to breath deeply, love big and laugh a lot.
Being in a couple is hard. And committing, making sacrifices, it’s hard. But if it’s the right person, then it’s easy. Looking at that girl and knowing she’s all you really want out of life, that should be the easiest thing in the world. And if it’s not like that, then she’s not the one. I’m sorry.
~ Marshall Eriksen, How I Met Your Mother